nothing to protect: living in bold acceptance
one: just now
Monday, 28 August 2023
NOTHING TO PROTECT
LIVING IN BOLD ACCEPTANCE
ONE: JUST NOW
The joy that greets me in this moment hasn’t always been so accessible, as I am also a survivor of multiple suicide attempts and substance abuse. For me, suicide was a card kept in my back pocket — I knew I didn’t have to play it, but knowing it was there should ever I need it gave me great comfort, however strange and sad that may seem. It’s funny to me that now, as I deal with more significant difficulties than I ever have in my entire life, I find myself laughing and smiling more than I ever have. Will my obsessive thoughts of death ever subside? I don’t think so. The beautiful thing is that now, instead of being the heavy and harrowing darkness that haunts me, death has become a constant companion and friend who is my greatest teacher and advocate for loving myself and doing just what I want to do.
The actions I choose arise spontaneously from the joy I receive in doing them. It’s as simple as that. What I do here and now helps manifest my next moment. If I do something, looking for a specific response, that response may not arrive. If I do something because it makes me happy, happiness will greet me in the next moment. For years, I was fighting against the present moment, and it did nothing but give me anxiety and depression. Now, I am choosing to work together with the present moment to cultivate a life I truly enjoy. But what is the present moment? It is all of existence — past, present, and future — existing as one indestructible and infinite moment. It’s truly as simple as that. Within this one moment, all phenomena arise and fall. Like waves in the ocean, a wave is not something separate from the ocean but is the ocean itself waving. We are waves. The ocean is the present moment.
But how is a wave separate from the ocean? How are we separate from the eternal? We are individuals having individual experiences. These experiences, however, are not infinite. Each experience is a momentary manifestation of the eternal. While our experiences shape what we do, they are not who we are. The nature of our reality is uncreated and independent. The ocean itself is stillness, but when moved by energy, it rises into waves. Likewise, each thought is a wave, and our mind is the ocean. While our thoughts shape what we do, they are not who we are. After all, we are the ones who choose each thought. Think joy, and joy will manifest. Think fear, and fear will manifest. Thoughts are temporary. The perceiver of each thought is not. The witness to all thoughts is often called the uncreated mind.
To put it another way, if the voice in your head is you, who is the one listening to it? Can you observe in quiet stillness as thoughts appear and disappear like waves of an ocean? The one watching is our true identity — never born, never dying. Discovering the reality of who I am has mostly alleviated my fear of death. Before, I was terrified of death and did nearly everything possible to distract my mind from remembering that my death was inevitable. Now, I am not afraid to think about death at all. I know that I will die, and the ones I love will die. Now, knowing my true identity, I also know the identity of those I love. We are temporary, and we are eternal.
The impersonal and eternal, while one undivided, is manifesting itself personally as you and I, and all other phenomena visible and invisible. We call this duality — the one making itself known by appearing as opposites. We can see this everywhere in our day-to-day lives — up and down, in and out, day and night, joy and pain, me and them. The list goes on endlessly! One illuminates the other. Without death, we would not appreciate the present moment and the impermanence of all life. They are two sides of the same coin. In other words, they complement one another beautifully. Beyond the appearance of two is one — absolute, ineffable, unmanifest, inconceivable, transcendent, unchanging, and Infinite Spirit. Beyond all birth and death — we are this. Becoming aware of this is often called awakening — the eternal becoming conscious of itself. This awakening, once experienced, cannot be forgotten.
A mind that isn’t aware is a mind that jumps from thought to thought, easily distracted. This mind reacts impulsively, searching for temporary fixes and momentary pleasures. It is a mind that is busy comparing and criticizing. A still and disciplined mind moves consciously and intentionally. It can be caring and compassionate, looking for genuine solutions, and responding appropriately. It has a sense of perspective and can focus on what is essential. An awakened mind, no longer running around like a wild monkey, can choose carefully the thoughts it wishes to entertain. Observing our thoughts with great care and detail will allow us a deeper insight into where we are needed most. A mind that is awakened and aware doesn’t push thoughts away but invites them in, knowing they don’t have to stay forever.
All of existence is greeting me here and now, and I consciously choose to welcome it into my life just as it is — even myself. After all, it will all be here whether I like it or not. We cannot escape the present moment, so why even try? There is nowhere for us to hide where it will not also be. The pain and fears we have been running from still need conscious and compassionate attention. Today, I know that not even suicide can separate me from the nature of my true identity. I also know that there is nowhere I can be where I am not meant to be. To be anywhere else is an impossibility! If I am dying, that is what I must do. If I am living, that is what I must do, and I will do it with my entire body and mind awakened and aware of each step. What greets us in this moment may be out of our control. How we respond to it is not.
Living in bold acceptance:
Sand Dollar Beach, California, 2015.
39 in 2022: a quick selfie taken during a moment of gratitude in my car after a fun day hanging with my brother during an extremely taxing period for my mental and physical health, reminding myself that I do indeed still know how to smile -- albeit, just a grin at that moment.
Peace of mind is a choice we must make at every moment. A peaceful mind can focus on making the right decisions for maintaining a healthy life — not just for ourselves but for those we know and love. The present moment is the only moment, and it is a moment we all share. The present moment contains the past and the future. It is only in this moment, however, that transformation occurs. The secret of transformation is how we accept the present moment. When nurturing the present moment, we are caring for the past and the future, not just for ourselves but for all beings. When we greet the present with an awakened mind, we can choose to nurture the people, places, and experiences that bring us so much joy, ensuring healthier relationships with the world around us. Seeing the impermanence of all things can allow us to approach them with a deeper appreciation and encourage us to love them more while they are here for us to share and enjoy.
Can we be free in our bodies, not bound by the mind and the world around us? We can when we understand that death is present in every moment. This moment happens only once, and then it’s on to the next! No two moments are identical. Equally, we are not the same person as we were the moment before. There is an often repeated yet still beautifully poetic expression that says, “You can never step in the same river twice.” That means the universe, like a wheel constantly spinning but never arriving at a new destination, continually transforms while remaining perfectly still. For life itself, there is no future destination. We can touch reality only when we ground ourselves, both our body and mind, to the present moment. Our body is already here. Why not allow our minds to come home as well? When looking deeply at a river, we can observe how it is changing. It will not be the same river it was just moments before. Like the river, we are not the same person we were moments ago.
Thinking or saying “I am” does not make it so, as there is no one individual who can be attributed that title that is not already wholly connected to that which is one, eternal, and unchanging. When thoughts arise, we can inquire ‘To whom has this thought arisen?” When asking this question, we will most likely think, without hesitation, “To me!” But when we slow down and take a moment to look deeper within each thought, we will discover something else. When inquiring, “Who am I?” our wandering mind has the opportunity to return quietly back to its source and rest. We can practice this right now. In doing so, we will be better prepared to quieten our minds when our focused attention is needed most. This practice can help immensely during moments of anxiety and fear.
Knowing the truth of who we are, however, does not remove us from the world within us and the world around us, but it can ground us with a deeper understanding, love, and compassion for it all. I am an autistic adult living with a terrifying chronic illness called tinnitus. For me, tinnitus manifests as a high-pitched ringing within my hearing at all waking hours. Thankfully, practicing mindfulness was not new to me when I developed this condition in 2016. Since I was practicing before, I can continue with more focused practice at a time when I need it now more than ever. I’ve accepted death. Accepting tinnitus, however, has been difficult. There are moments when I barely notice it, and there are other moments when it is all I think about. In these traumatic moments, when my mind responds with fear and panic to the present moment, I often remind myself that what I am experiencing isn’t fear and panic itself. Tinnitus is tinnitus. Like all life, it has no individual qualities. What I think about tinnitus, however, can give rise to intense feelings and emotions that can quickly spiral nearly out of control. Next thing I know, I’m having a panic attack. When this happens, after years of awareness and self-compassion, I immediately begin thinking once again about how I can kill myself. It is then that I must carefully watch my thoughts. When shifting my perspective to the witness of my thoughts rather than the one experiencing them, my awareness of tinnitus merges into the ocean and fades into the background. Now, I can look for immediate solutions to help me calm down and relax. Not only does a drop merge into the ocean, but the ocean merges into the drop!
Each emotion we experience arises from thought. Knowing we are the creator of our thoughts and remembering that each thought is temporary can allow us to remember that our feelings are also temporary and that what we feel in one moment doesn’t have to be what we think the next. The only one capable of changing how I feel is me! The only one capable of accepting all of life is me. The only one capable of accepting death is me. Looking at death doesn’t have to begin when we are older. We can look deeply into the nature of reality now. When observing reality, we can touch eternity here and now. When we touch eternity here and now, we can see eternity in all those we love and all we love to do. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. We are whole, and we are home, and nothing we do could ever remove us from this space! If there is nowhere to go and nothing to do, why would there be something to prove? What I do, I do because it brings me joy and nothing more — be it creating art, choosing to be with those I love, or simply going out to enjoy a local event here in town. There is no danger in the world around me anymore. What I am is eternal. What was never born can never die. To continually act as a reaction to something else in anticipation of a specific result or reaction would only further imprison me within my mind. I’ve had enough thinking for one lifetime. I want to touch reality. I want to know the reality through my direct experiences. I want to create reality — a reality that isn’t afraid. I want to love all and cultivate grace and healing for myself and all others, no matter what we may have done or think we have become. Are you waiting for heaven? This is it, and it is ours to create!
Jordan Andrew Jefferson
28 August 2023
"The Cycle of Life and Death" by Syamarani Dasi
"No behind and no before
There's no need to worry any more
Happy then, happy now
There's always a way to get happy somehow
Friend on the road, a friend in the home
A better friend now than I've ever known: just now"
"Just Now" written and recorded by Scottish singer-songwriter John Martyn for his 1972 album "Bless The Weather"