Monday, 28 August 2023
NOTHING TO PROTECT
LIVING IN BOLD ACCEPTANCE
TWO: DON'T CRY ALONE
So many of us have difficulties understanding death and understanding life. When we don’t understand death, our lives can become consumed with unhealthy distractions as we continue to do all we can to keep our tortured minds from thinking about our inevitable death and the inevitable deaths of those we love so dearly. Then, before we can stop it, we are consumed with addictions and distractions that can affect how we love ourselves and all those around us. Always moving as a reaction to continual fear is exhausting, no matter how much we may have convinced ourselves that we love who we are and what we are doing. As we grow weary, we begin to believe that the only solution to calming our confusion is to kill ourselves or devote our lives to a religious or social practice, which also arose from a reaction to misunderstanding and fear. Might I suggest another approach?
We spend our lives wondering, “Why are we here?” Why not, instead, ask, “Who are we here?” Are we not life itself here and now? Why, then, do we continually seek to find answers outside of our awareness? To discover who we are, we must first discover who we are not. I might say to you, “I am Jordan Andrew Jefferson.” Yet, I can assure you, if you were to ask my parents, there was a time shortly after my birth when I was not yet named. Did my lack of written and verbal identification deny my existence? Had I never been named, would I still wonder if I existed? No, because through direct experience in each moment, I know that I am.
I might also say, “I live in Huntington, West Virginia, in the United States of America.” While these words might help me and others navigate, they do not signify that Huntington, West Virginia, and the United States exist independently from the rest of the universe. We can recognize just how the United States differs from other countries. Still, these differences are merely conceptual creations of political and religious leaders and the many societal associations we each choose to partake in. However beneficial they may be, these remain concepts to which the present moment is neither subjected nor influenced. To further elaborate, I might tell someone I will be there at 7:00 p.m. In saying this, 7:00 p.m. doesn’t become a distance independent of the present moment. While language and ideas can help us navigate and choose, we shouldn’t depend on them to seek to understand our true identities.
Similarly, we often associate our identities with our interests and abilities. It is from these false identifications that the mind continues to create its exhausting and never-ending comparisons. When we believe everything our minds project, we continue to make decisions that cause pain within ourselves and the lives of others, decisions that only further isolate us from the world around us and hinder us from being aware of the present moment. It is within this isolation that we begin to think that we and so many others are not worthy of love and compassion. Without proper awareness, our choices will continue to arise from a troubled mind that continually moves us rather than deciding what we genuinely wish to do. With some practice, we can use our minds with focused intent to understand, help others understand, and heal the pain caused by each of our misunderstandings. If we are looking for meaning, I believe we just found it.
Author, speaker, and teacher Ram Dass said, “It's only when caterpillarness is done that one becomes a butterfly. That, again, is part of this paradox. You cannot rip away caterpillarness. The whole trip occurs in an unfolding process of which we have no control.” A caterpillar doesn’t mourn that it is a caterpillar, nor is it envious of all butterflies. It does all that it can to ensure it has a healthy metamorphosis. Each of us is just where we need to be. We must now discover how we can continue to trust and to listen, all while honoring our boundaries for proper physical and mental health and remembering all others are where they must be doing what they must do, however ignorant it may seem. When we observe the world around us, we can see how each organism is perfect just as it is. Hating a flower for not blooming in January would only reflect our misunderstanding of winter. It would not be an honest critique of the flower’s potential and abilities.
Often, the best we can do to ensure a flower will grow is to give it time and to encourage it with water and soil. Many flowers, however, grow beautifully in the wild all around us without our help at all. Why, then, do we forget that each of us also are an intimate part of the universal ebb and flow? Like the flowers and butterflies around us, we all awaken at our own appointed time. We can only understand what we understand now, regardless of what that may be. Our expecting otherwise is no fault of another. When another fails us, it is because of our projections placed upon them. Our happiness should not be dependent upon the external world but should spring spontaneously from within us as we celebrate our understanding and abilities at this moment.
Photograph courtesy of Klub Boks
Photograph courtesy of Connor Martin
Just the same, neither should we allow what we do to be influenced by the ideas of others and their ideas of us. We cannot stop others from doing what they do, but we can change how we respond, regardless of what we may encounter. If we want a peaceful mind, we must live a peaceful life. How often do we rest? When was the last moment you weren’t evaluating your self-worth compared to another’s? When was the last time you sat perfectly still in mind and body? We’ve been running all our lives because we are all so scared. Why not come home to the present moment and rest? Of course, we’re all exhausted. Of course, so many of us are getting high. Of course, so many of us use sex, alcohol, entertainment, and food (or, as was in my life, a lack thereof) to distract us from the many ways we believe we’ve disappointed ourselves. The list of things we choose over loving ourselves is endless. But to whose standards are we trying to meet? To whom are we selling our very truth to impress? Why do we believe we have so much to protect? Why are we hiding behind the masks and costumes we wear every day? When all we focus on is fear, we can never cultivate joy. That is why so many we know and love are dying, be it by their hand or through the assistance of depression, anxiety, and addiction.
We can travel as far as possible and collect as many friends and acquaintances as we can, and we will never outrun our innate need to cultivate acceptance within ourselves here and now. We all hope to understand our existence. How can we harvest a space to genuinely listen and explore when so much of what we think and do is clouded by concepts and conditions? We chase after each thought, denying the very intuition that has carried us thus far. Understanding will appear fully and directly when we move fearless and boldly beyond all words, concepts, and conditions; however much we may think we need them to expand our existence. The truth is, even once we have seen how it is, we cannot say one word about it that will directly show another what it is. We cannot point to it, for there is nothing in which it is not. We cannot travel to it, for there is nowhere it is not. Looking for it is like a fish looking for water. You are it, and there is no other! Death cannot remove what we are, only that in which we are not. No matter what our dreams or aspirations may be, none of them can take us anywhere new. Once we see reality as it is, what more could we ever desire? If we live for acclaim, that’s all we’ll ever get. So long as there is a giver and receiver of praise and judgment, there will never be equals, and we will always be on the run, hoping to maintain our status. When death arrives, it consumes us all equally.
What we have isn’t ours. We are merely stewards of a momentary gift called “I.”
If we are kind to it, we can celebrate it deeply and perhaps enjoy it a bit longer; still, there is no guarantee of just how long we will live. One thing is sure, however: we all want to be loved and appreciated regardless of what we have to offer and what we may have done. Many of us look for acceptance from our community, a particular group, or from another person while neglecting someone who has some magical love to give — the beautiful, unique person looking back at us in the mirror! Often, self-love is attributed to selfish behavior, but when we appreciate ourselves as much as we do others, we will discover a source of love that doesn’t run out. Now, we may say to ourselves, “How do we expect others to love us if we don’t first love ourselves?” While this may be true, it is also true that many love us already, even though we don’t yet know how to love ourselves. Our lack of self-love can significantly affect our confidence and give us more insecurities and problems to understand, like resentment, bitterness, and anger. Our lack of love and understanding often pushes others away and leads us into further isolation. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
This is the human experience we all share: the longing to reason out just who we are and why we are here. As we continue to bloom beautifully at our appropriate speed, no matter how slow and stagnant it may seem, we must remember we are not alone. Have not each of us, at one time or another, asked the same questions? Why, then, are we carrying this weight alone when we can share it with someone trusted? But how do we find the courage to talk about this within a world that thrives on division and within a society designed for distraction? More often than not, this requires us to stand radically alone and honestly look at who we are. Taking a deeper look at what we do, why we do it, and who we believe ourselves to be, regardless of whether we enjoy what we are seeing, is essential in discovering that what we think, feel, and experience, however much we may have convinced ourselves otherwise, does not define our existence and our self-worth, and are not uncommon from the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of those around us.
We can now take the courageous step of boldly standing outside the boundaries that have kept us servants to our suffering as we begin sharing our discoveries with others. Sharing can often help us direct our awareness away from what has been terrifying us to creating, together, a sacred space where we can find tangible answers within our reach right now to the questions that won’t go away. The way we have been living may seem safe and comfortable. If that were true, however, why are we all in so much pain? If you know yourself - know who you are - you have won the whole world.
-Jordan Andrew Jefferson
28 August 2023
"In the mundane, nothing is sacred. In sacredness, nothing is mundane." -Dōgen
Top photograph courtesy of Engin Akyurt
"Surely as the sun sets
New suns are rising
As winter heralds spring's horizon
Don't cry alone"
"Don't Cry Alone" written by Robin Gibb. Performed and released in 2012 with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.